Tracys Dog

Tracy’s Dog has got it going on. That’s a song from the early 2000s, if I recall correctly. But I may be a little mixed up on account of this website I was just browsing. They’ve got all kinds of high-tech dick massagers and clit rubbers, and it really got me wondering if it was time to retire the ol’ crusty gym sock in favor of something a bit less abrasive on the ding-dong. As a guy who spends every day reviewing the world’s best porn sites, I could probably use something a little more efficient for jerking off than just whatever I find lying around on the floor.

Honestly, the toys you find at TracysDog.com ain’t the kind of knick-knacks you leave just lying around anywhere. You may want to hide them in a bedside table or dresser drawer unless you’re the exhibitionist sort who likes all your visitors knowing you’re masturbating with electricity. Tracy’s Dog sells a range of fancy self-love gadgets for men, women, and couples. Usually, I’m reviewing sites you can rub one out to while the wife’s in the shower, but this one will actually give you something to rub one out with. Let’s see what they want us to touch our privates with.

Classy Masturbators for Classy Masturbators

Man, you younger perverts don’t know how good you’ve got it. In the old days, everybody had to buy their sex toys at the dank, crusty porn stores in the sketchy parts of town and just off of highways in the middle of fucking nowhere. You’d end up with a shitty choice of deformed dildos, ill-fitting fap sleeves, a couple of stray whips, and a rubber fist that look way too big for any human being’s asshole. These days you can buy your masturbatory paraphernalia without even leaving the house, and you’ve got a much better selection than you ever did.

Case in point: TracysDog, where they’ve been hawking the good stuff for years. As soon as I hit the landing page, I started getting a sense of what has put these guys on the map and kept them there. For one thing, the presentation is fucking excellent. It’s flashy, professional, and somehow surprisingly clean. Of course, you know what those sucking vibrators, fake dicks, and automated penis strokers are for, but there’s a classiness to the setup that makes you feel more like you’re in a high-end novelty shop than an old-timey peep show. There’s no cum on the walls, that’s for sure.

Besides the design, one of the first things I notice about TracysDog.com is that it looks like  they’re aiming for some real middle-ground pricing in sex toys. For example, there’s a high-end male masturbator at the top of the screen advertised for $119.00, and that’s by far the most expensive thing I see. Scrolling down a bit, I see a classic dildo for $23, as well as multi-pronged sucking vibrators and more automated dick machines starting in the $40 range.

Contrast that to some of the other online sex toy shops I’ve reviewed here at ThePornDude, and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Of course, it’s more expensive than the no-name bullshit you can buy on Amazon, but it’s noticeably cheaper than the pricey shit in big stores like Adam and Eve or those futuristic fuck toys by brands like Lovense and Kiiroo. Hell, an entry-level Fleshlight will run you about seventy bones, and it isn’t even automatic! (And in case you were wondering, TracysDog has a product that’s very similar to the Fleshlight but only costs $17 right now.)

Cheap Electronic Dick Suckers? For Real?

If you’ve browsed around or read my reviews of automated male masturbators like the Kiiroo or TheHandy, I probably caught your eye with that last section. While other devices in this category can easily run you hundreds of dollars, Tracy’s Dog has automated dick massagers starting at $43. Naturally, I needed a closer look as soon as I found out about them.

The cheapest and oldest model they’ve got is called the Osburn Automatic Male Masturbator. I actually didn’t know if it was for dudes or chicks when I first saw the picture because it looks a little like a flaccid uncircumcised penis. It turns out there’s a TPE sleeve inside, with a few different vibration frequencies and three modes of suction and pumping. It’s a modern device, so it recharges via USB. Honestly, for $43 bucks, I expected a bare-bones gizmo, so I’m more than a little impressed with all the baked-in functionality.

Tracy’s Dog calls these products Automatic Masturbation Cups. For a few bucks more, you can get the newer model, called the Launch It. This one looks like a fucking rocket ship and comes with 7 vibration modes and 7 suction modes, as opposed to the three you get from the Osburn. Who doesn’t appreciate a little more variety?

Of course, if you want the full, unadulterated magic of what TracysDog.com has to offer dudes, you may want to check out the Turboo. This is their newest male masturbator and looks like an even fancier rocket straight out of some golden-age sci-fi. This one drops it back down to three vibration modes, but it has this shit called CFEET: Centrifugal Forced Ejaculation Enhancement Technology. A ball inside that bad boy spins up to 13,000 times per minute, which is supposed to give you some deep stimulation and produce mind-blowing orgasms.

You get free shipping with the Turboo, too. And if you want free shipping with the other two, you’ll have to buy both at the same time. TracysDog.com offers free shipping, but only if you spend $60. Then again, you could buy one of the cheaper automated dick-sucking machines and then round out your order with some lube or other products. Now let’s see what else they’ve got to offer.

Butt Plugs, Dildos, Restraints, and More

I’ve focused on those automatic male masturbators at Tracy’s Dog for a couple of reasons. For one thing, they’re arguably one of the next big things in jerking off, up there with the VR shit. Chicks have always had dildos and vibrators, but dudes only had lousy little fap sleeves and Fleshlights until recently. Gadgets like the Launch It finally bring that automated genital massaging magic to the masses with a much cheaper variation on the technology.

I’ve also focused on those because, well, I know my audience. I mostly get straight dudes coming by to check out my reviews and find porn, but I know some ladies and some queers are swinging by, too. In that case, you’ll probably be happy to know that TracysDog.com stocks a wide variety of sex toys for everybody. So who’s in the market for a prostate massager, butt plug, or leg-spreading bondage set so your slave can’t protect their precious brown rose?

Ladies, if you’re in the market for a vibrator, you’ll definitely want to check out the selection at Tracy’s Dog. They’ve got a great range of clit-suckers, fucking vibrators, and dildos, and just like those dick suckers I talked about, they’re surprisingly cheap. For example, the most affordable vibrator with clit suction is only fourteen bucks, which sounds like a steal and I don’t even have a clitoris.

No shit, dudes, I’m seriously contemplating buying one of their Automatic Masturbation Cups. My Tenga 3D’s getting a little long in the tooth, and it wouldn’t cost much more to buy a Launch It instead of replacing it. The sheer economics is hard to fucking resist; here’s an automatic male masturbator for roughly the same price as a premium brand-name wank sleeve.

My only real complaint about TracysDog is pretty typical among shops selling these types of toys: if you don’t enjoy it much, you can’t return it. They’ve got a 30-day return policy, but items must be returned in unused condition. I’ve seen a couple of sex toy shops out there with a no-questions-asked policy for returns, but it’s fucking rare.

I feel like a pretty jaded masturbator sometimes, like I’ve seen it all and I’m almost never impressed. That said, TracysDog.com has definitely caught my attention with their lower-priced automatic male masturbators. The site is worth a look if you’ve been in the market for one of those suckers and probably if you’re just in the general market for sex toys. The selection is nice, and the prices are fucking solid for branded vibrators, lube, and BDSM restraints. Now that I’ve found these guys, maybe the blisters will finally go away.