Penny Barber

I love fucking milfs, and so would you if milfs ever wanted to fuck you. There are so many reasons to love milfs, that it's impossible to list them all. Ever since Jennifer Coolidge played her iconic milf role as Stifler's Mom in the hit teen movie "American Pie," men have had their eye on their friend's moms.

Nostal-Jacking

Did Jennifer Coolidge ever create an Only Fans account? If not, she fucked up big time. I recently saw her in a commercial, but I know it didn't pay like Only Fans would. At this point, the bitch is a gilf, but the magic is still there. Plus, I think a lot of men would fuck and or jerk off to her out of nostalgia or just to say they did it.

On a side note, suggesting that "American Pie" was the straw on the camel's back for creating the Fleshlight would not be out of line. After witnessing that one motherfucker jam his member into a warm apple pie, teen boys everywhere started fucking everything in the house that wouldn't lead to grievous injury. As a result, many defiled stuffed animals and sullied microfiber blankets are weeping on their therapist's shoulder as I type. Their filling is jizzy, and seams shredded to tatters.

But that's a topic for another day. Today we focus on mothers I'd like to fuck, such as the incredible Penny Barber. Some of you might have a milf for a mother. It would help to explain the sexually abhorrent habits of many of my readers.

But remember, "explain" does not carry the same definition as "excuse." I don't care how sexy and fuckable your mama is. If you want to get all up in that puss, you're fucked up in the head. The only people I'll give leniency to are Penny's offspring. I don't care how related I was to Penny. She could still catch this dick all she likes.

However, most of you bastards fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. That almost certainly means that you have busted-ass moms that look like Bigfoots, orcs, and or goblins.

It requires two ugly and unfuckable parents to create the physical horrors that are my readers. You fuckers don't just pop up out of nowhere. You are the product of your origins. If Penny is the product of her origins, I bet her grandma is a banging gilf. I don't need to see her to know it's true.

Keeping Hope Alive

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but milfs represent the shortest route from not penetrating the vagina to penetrating the vagina. To describe milfs as horny is an offense to them. These bitches have gone beyond horny into new unexplored territory of wetness. Their most apish urges are bubbling to the surface and demanding action. They want cock. No. They need cock. Without it, they live on borrowed time. Borrowed from the last D they rode.

When the need for a penis reaches the depths of desperation. When a bitch is on her knees begging God to bring her wang. When all other avenues cock-gathering have been depleted, that's when my readers jump in. Then, and only then, will guys like you have a chance at getting your dicks wet. Bitches know that you're not the best option for a sexual partner. That's why you have to present yourself as the only option.

Despite the reckless desperation of horny milfs, you loser fuck faces will still struggle to seal the deal. Regardless, I'll tell you the next step you can make that may inspire a fundamental change in how you live your life: If you find the right milf and provide her with the right dick, she could become your sugar mama.

I know you're familiar with the concept of a sugar mama because, as it stands now, your mom is your sugar mama. Oof. As sad as it is for you bastards to hear, it's the cold hard fact. Imagine how awesome it would be to have a sugar mama you don't share genetics with. One you can fuck. (when she lets you)

Pour Some Sugar On Me

I know you dumbasses are stupid as all fuck, so I'll need to spell out the exact step-by-step process to go from your mama's house to your sugar mama's house. Step one is jerking off to milfs like Penny Barber.

Everyone knows the old idiom, "practice makes perfect." Penny is how you'll get your reps in. Your penis must become highly familiar with the nature of the mother you'd like to fuck. You must become as the milf before you can fuck the milf.

Plus, we need you to build a resistance to the pleasures of the hot milf. Otherwise, you're bound to cum long before you've ever penetrated a bitches tight pussy. I know you guys have a lot of old jizz clogging up your pipes, so we have to make sure all that sludge isn't in the driver's seat of your balls, encouraging you to cum at the drop of a hat.

Penny is the ideal candidate for the job. If you can withstand the glaring intensity of Penny's fuckability then you can handle any milf the world will throw at you. Warning: You won't become skilled enough to fuck Penny by jerking off to her, but perhaps you'll gather the skills to fuck a milf twenty or so magnitudes less attractive. Sorry for getting your hopes up.

A Penny for your cocks

A great place to begin exploring Penny is through her Twitter account. Penny keeps her many fans up to date on content, platforms, streams, and live appearances through the platform. Plus, you'll get to see just how beautiful this woman is.

Penny describes herself as the B squad leader. The booty squad? The boob squad? The bod squad? To me, Penny is forever on the A squad. She's a first-round draft pick in my sexual Olympics.

I'm not the only one that notices Penny's skills and aesthetics. She is one of this year's nominees for the Adult Video News Awards Performer of the Year. That's as great an award as a porn star can earn for her work. When a bitch is in line for one of the highest honors in porn, you know she has some skills.

I'm sure you're all wondering how to contact her public relations team, so you'll be happy to know she's with The Rub PR. Finally, if you're attending the X3 Expo in January but haven't purchased tickets yet, use Penny's code BARBERX3 at check out.

Penny joined Twitter in June of 2009 and has since collected almost one hundred and fifty thousand followers. I'm surprised that number isn't a bit higher. My guess is that she wasn't always as active on Twitter as she is now. I will not be scrolling for an hour to find out, though.

The tweet currently pinned to the top of Penny's wall is a short video reminding fans to vote for her in the Adult Video News Awards. And because Penny knows what works, her tits are out during the clip.

You'll notice two things while watching the said clip. First, Penny has kind of an annoying high-pitched little girl voice. I'm sure all the watchers of creepy hentai will enjoy it, *Places peace sign against my cheek* but for the rest of us normal people, it's grinding.

Second, to make up for the voice, Penny has incredible nipples. Sometimes nipples get lost in a conversation about breasts, but they are so important. Penny's areolas are around average for her tit size, but the nipple protrudes by more than an inch. It makes sucking on those big mama milkers as fun as can be.

An Appriciated Talent

As you explore her Twitter, you'll find many retweeted voting announcements. There is a good chance that Penny walks away with more trophies than when she arrived.

In the past, she has been nominated for hottest milf, but has yet to take home the award. Penny isn't the only incredible milf on planet earth, but she's still extra sexy even when compared to the extra sexy. She can have my vote, and if she wants to touch my penis for it, I wouldn't say no.

Penny Barber has everything I look for in a milf. She has big tits, a tight ass, great pussy, and cocksmithing skills galore. Penny's face looks like a fashion model who just exited a bukkake.

My current complaint is about the overwhelming amount of voting announcements on Penny's Twitter. There are a dozen or more between actual posts.

Penny is ready to help you train your penis for fucking a milf one day. That day may never come, but better safe than sorry.