Crystal Rush

A lot of hate is thrown on boredom, but without boredom, where would humanity be? Boredom has been the impetus behind many of man's most significant accomplishments. Along with sex, it's one of our primary guiding motivations.

From Boredom to Whoredom

Nothing is worse than sitting around with nothing to do. Why do you think we all masturbate so fucking much. It's the easiest solution to having nothing to do. Boredom can even lead a bitch to discover porn, and that's precisely what happened to Crystal Rush.

Crystal Rush was born in a small town outside of Moscow, Russia, on October 5th, 1988. She doesn't speak much about her youth other than to say it was uneventful.

One day, after graduating high school, Crystal was sitting around trying to figure out what to do with her life when she came upon an ad for shooting porn. She was immediately intrigued. It would be an exciting lifestyle change that comes along with good money and a career. Crystal wasn't doing anything else, so why not give it a shot?

She sat on that ad thinking about her next move for three months. After that, nothing else had come along, and porn was still calling her out like a siren song rising from the tides.

Once Crystal took the dive, it didn't take long for her to realize that she had found her calling. However, she lived in a little shit town, so Crystal packed up her bags and ran away to Moscow in search of opportunities for her and her pussy.

Her first scenes came out in 2013 and were filmed in St. Petersburg. Before settling on "Crystal Rush," she called herself Aurelly Rebel and Kristall Rush. Neither of those stuck for long, and I'm glad for it. I couldn't picture her as anything else but Crystal Rush.

After building momentum in St. Petersburg, she started traveling to Budapest, Hungary, which has grown to become the home of porn in Europe. Around this time, she also shot scenes in Italy, The Czech Republic, and Spain. At this point, it was like a hobby for her. When she wanted to travel, she could make it a business trip.

Porn didn't stay a hobby for long. As Crystal built steam, the money became better and better. At some point, Crystal couldn't deny her porn stardom. She had found a home. A home covered in sticky jizz.

Speaking of jizz, I just fired some off after taking a tour of Crystal's Twitter page. I meant to turn on an entire scene at some point, but I didn't make it. It was like Crystal yanked the cum directly out of my soul.

Sapiosexual or Cuntiobullshit?

She describes herself first as a sapiosexual. I'm going to spend some time breaking this down for a second. First off, for the uninitiated, a sapiosexual is attracted to the kind of person someone is, not their gender or looks.

This is both a good and bad thing for my readers. The good news is that Crystal can look past your grotesque face, bloated body, and minuscule penis. Everything that makes you disgusting to look at isn't an issue for Ms. Rush. You could have a blistered coyote clitoris growing out of your forehead, and Crystal would still suck your dick.

The bad news is that my readers are just as ugly on the inside as they are on the outside. The reason I get laid so much is that the universe wrapped the horrible person I am in pretty gift wrap. You guys don't get that luxury, and it's a damn shame.

I'm sorry to have gotten your hopes up so high only to dash them against the rocks with great prejudice. Perhaps with some acting classes, you could hide your true nature long enough to get a hand job or something.

However, I'm about to negate everything I've said by calling bullshit on anyone labeling themselves as sapiosexual. Everyone is sapiosexual up to a point. What sapiosexual says to me is that someone is a pretentious bitch.

That said, I'll masturbate to and fuck the shit out of a pretentious bitch all day because I'm not under the delusion of being sapiosexual. I don't care if Crystal Rush is one hundred percent retarded. I'm still beating my meat. You do you, Crystal. I'm just coming along for the ride. Or should I say stroke?

Crystal also describes herself as your Russian Godmother. I don't picture hot bitches when I hear the phrase "Russian Godmother." I think of an old babushka type bitch with a head wrap and bad teeth. Fortunately, Crystal is none of those things.

Crystal joined Twitter in August of 2014 and has since attracted nearly two hundred thousand followers. I can tell you that nine of her followers found her because they're sapiosexual. They found this bitch with a dick in one hand and lube in the other.

See Her and Hear Her

The tweet currently pinned to the top of Crystal's page advertises her incredible Only Fans account. Even you poor fucks have an extra ten bucks sitting around, and I can't imagine how it could be spent better than on Crystal's Only Fans. If you're looking to save a little money and are ready for commitment, you can purchase a three-month bundle for five percent off.

After securing your Only Fans subscription, head to Sext Panther and tell Crystal about it yourself. She loves guiding her fans through their masturbation sessions. You'll forget she isn't lying in bed next to you, whispering all her dirty thoughts while twirling her finger around the blistered coyote clitoris rising from your third eye.

Crystal is doing some traveling right now, but she made a horrific mistake. Perhaps one of the worst mistakes she's ever made in her life, one that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Crystal forgot to pack her dildo.

How the fuck could she forget something so important. I understand forgetting your toothbrush, hair ties, favorite shirt, life-saving prescription medication, or your firstborn child. But forgetting your dildo!? That's fucking inexcusable. If I can't trust this bitch to blast her pussy with a plastic penis once a day, what can I trust her for?

The Real McKoy

If you love watching high-def porn featuring Crystal Rush, then you'll really love watching her in 8K virtual reality. It's the most realistic Crystal experience you can buy. When combined with the correct fleshlight, it can make a man cum so hard he has a stroke.

For example, check out her porn parody of "The Desperate Housewives," where Crystal stars alongside friends Natasha Nice and Savannah Bond. The only thing these bitches are desperate for is to get their coochies munched on. I'm here to munch on Crystal's pussy any time of day or night.

If you read this article before The Adult Video News Awards, don't forget to vote for Crystal in the fan categories. She's pushing for favorite porn star creator, hottest milf, most epic ass, and most spectacular boobs.

I could see her taking the win in every category except most epic ass. While her ass is nice, it is in no way "epic." She has a tiny Russian ass, which is excellent, but it's not "epic." I'd reserve that adjective for an ass with more girth.

As with many pornstars, you can purchase Crystal's image in a wide range of formats and on a wide range of objects. Usually, this includes shit like posters, t-shirts, coffee mugs, stickers, and coasters. However, Crystal stepped her game up and recently made a skateboard. You can get yourself a signed board if you go back in time to black Friday 2024 and bring a stack.

Always On

Crystal is always in character. She never knows when she may run into a fan or a perv might start jerking off to her while hiding in a bush. This post exemplifies her problem: "My body just starts posing as soon as it sees a camera even though I am not the one being clicked. Hashtag Model Life.

I'm going to start carrying a professional camera around everywhere I go on the off chance I run into Crystal. Do you think she might get totally lost in the roll and get naked in the bread aisle of my local grocery store?

Crystal went from a bored nobody to the inspiration for quadrillions of sperm to break their bonds and launch into the atmosphere. If you're feeling bored right now, don't fret. Use it to inspire greatness.

My only issue with Crystal's Twitter page is the lack of dick-riding. I know you want people to pay for the dick riding, but how about giving daddy a taste?

No matter what platform you find her on, Crystal will never disappoint your penis.