Bumpchies

Just what are Bumpchies, exactly? Well, the website’s logo replaces the B with a woman’s heart-shaped ass, which is always a good sign. I’ve never been to a SFW site that makes letters of a babe’s booty before, after all. Then again, butts are commonplace on pretty much any adult site, so you’re still in the dark if that’s all you’ve got to work with. They could be selling damn-near anything adult-oriented. That’s part of the trouble with coming up with your own unique brand name and trying to make it stick.

It's possible that Bumpchies will enter the public’s lexicon and you’ll hear your grandma saying it over Christmas dinner next year, but it all depends on just how popular they are by then. When I first pulled up the joint, I got an Adults-Only warning that mentions the recent closings of AnnonceEnTime and Humpchies, which makes Bumpchies “the #1 website for escorts in Quebec.” It seems like everyone on the internet is claiming top-dog status in something, so naturally I had to take a look and see for myself.

Show Me to the Bumpchies, Please

Bumpchies.com is a new site, the domain having been registered just a few months ago. I may not have guessed that without looking it up, because they’ve got kind of a lived-in vibe, like something that’s been on the internet for a while now. It ain’t as flashy as a high-dollar paysite or anything, but as soon as you get through that Adults-Only screen, they hit you with exactly what you’re looking for: escorts.

The default view will show you a selection of premium ads by providers who paid a few bucks extra for top slots. The girls are always clustered in the big cities on any escort site, so the first babes I saw were a couple MILFs, a tranny, and a huge-titted 23-year-old, all living in Montreal.

Quebec ain’t all that big compared to the USA, so I was worried they’d half-ass the location data and just give us a few cities to work with. I’ve seen American sites that seem to count Chicago as a 300 square mile region, which can be a pain in the ass if you’re trying to get laid in the suburbs. Bumpchies has listings in 150 different parts of Quebec, so I don’t think we’re going to run into the same issue here.

Your results are obviously going to vary depending on where you are, but the good news is that Bumpchies has thousands of listings across Quebec. Montreal alone has nearly 1600 hooker classified ads posted within the last month, so anyone in MTL has a shit ton of options. I found girls in any city I typed into the box, from Trois-Rivieres to Gatineau and even smaller cities like Pointe-Claire.

It would be nice to see a filter than lets you dial in exactly how far you’d be wiling to drive to get a little action tonight. That’s a fairly common option on these types of sites, so I’m hoping they roll that out as the site continues to develop. That would save you a little bit of time and effort compared to searching the listings for every city in driving distance.

Who’s Up for a GFE and a BJ?

If you are perusing Bumpchies.com from a major metropolitan area, or you’re just willing to drive to one, you’re going to have a hell of a selection. This ain’t a one-size-fits all industry, and that’s reflected in all the options here. You’ll have your pick from a nice range of escorts, agencies, erotic masseuses, and salons. What do you want to do tonight, really?

Just looking at the most recently posted ads on the site, I see blonde babes, brunettes and redheads; slim girls, thick girls and athletic beauties; busty chicks and ones with perfect little tatas. Most of the front-page sluts are white girls, but I do see a couple Nubian hotties selling their services.

I found all those ads on the front page, because they’re the freshest ads on the site. In fact, they were all posted within the last hour. Bumpchies gets a steady stream of new escort listings, all day and night. That’s one of the strongest measures of an escort site’s health, because an escort who posted an ad today is way more likely to pick up her phone than one who posted her ad a year ago. The userbase of providers here is active as fuck!

I clicked on a thumbnail of a 32-year-old firecrotch with monster jugs popping out her fishnets. Escorts only get to post five pics here, but at least they’re explicit; this chick’s got closeups of her ass, cleavage, and a buttplug in her butthole.

It ain’t just the pics that are explicit. Some escort sites try to force you to learn secret escort codes like BBBJ, COB, FBSM and HTUMA. That’s great if you’re a veteran of this shit, but it scares off the noobs. Bumpchies listings tell you exactly what’s available in plain English. This gal is down for strap-on play, squirting, blowjobs with swallowing, anal and GFE. (Come on, you know that one at least, right? That’s the “GirlFriend Experience,” where she treats you like her dude.)

I Think I’m Getting Lucky Tonight

Speaking of blowjobs, squirting, swallowing and anal, those are all listed among the Bumpchies.com Advanced Search filters. They offer a decent set of price and activity filters, letting you search for exactly what you want to do at exactly the price you’re willing to pay. The price filters go from $40 or less to $300 or more, so you can find high-class, expensive chicks, or the girls who are more your type. You know who I’m talking about.

I really like that they’ve included checkboxes for items like Cum In Mouth, Duo and Deepthroat, plus options like Car Call and Real Pics. That said, I do think they could really use some filters for physical features, like body type, hair color, tattoos and boob size. Bumpchies.com is still a very young site, so hopefully we’ll see something along these lines in the near future. A filter for the Verified profiles seems like an obvious addition, too, since they do have verification.

I decided to look for a mid-priced call girl offering the GFE and Swallowing for $150-$250. (Because my real girlfriends always swallow.) I checked off the boxes, hit APPLY FILTERS, and off I went. I had a little trouble doing multiple filters plus a city, but again, this is a young site still ironing out the kinks.

I ended up with page after page of options, from red-lipped, raven-haired nymphettes to enthusiastic camgirls to freaky BBWs and a self-described Sperm Queen with tattoos on her face. Ultimately, it was a thicc goth girl who caught my eye, looking like a big-bootied Elvira with an OnlyFans. I’m serious, too—she’s got a link to her free OnlyFans, which only made me more interested.

Bumpchies.com doesn’t make end users like you or me sign up for an account. You get full, easy access to the escort’s contact info, no registration necessary. As soon as I finish typing up this review, I think I’m going to give this Mistress of the Dark a call and see if she’s willing to be Mistress of the PornDude, at least for a night, maybe two if things go really well.

Aside from the filters I mentioned, the only other thing missing from Bumpchies would be a review section. I prefer reading some user reviews before I buy anything, and I’m guessing you feel the same way since you’re reading my world-famous pornography review website. I know that most visitors ain’t going to write up their whorehouse experiences to share with others, but reviews are always helpful even if you’ve only got a couple.

Bumpchies.com is a young site, but it’s got the makings of a great escort directory. Quebec is a bit underserved when it comes to escort sites in general, so this may already be one of the best directories out there for those you living in The Festival Province. As the site grows in popularity and they continue to develop their infrastructure, it's only going to get better. If nothing else, take a look and see who’s selling their services in your city.