MegaSlot Casino

Many say that prostitution is the world’s oldest job, but I would say gambling deserves to be on that also. I’m not a fucking evolutionary biologist, but I bet even modern monkeys will put a banana down on a territorial dispute. Am I saying they calculate odds and find the over-under? No. But if Steve and Joe get into a fight, you can bet the other baboons are putting skin in the game.

If true, that means we have been gambling for tens of thousands of years as a species. In that time, we have developed some strategies to help us increase the chances we can achieve victory. Of course, these are not guarantees, but they are tried and true.

Avoid the Cigarettes and Stripper Piss

Many of these tips won’t apply to monkeys anymore. While they still toil with sticks and rocks, we have moved our gambling onto the internet. It’s more convenient than either betting berries in the jungle or driving out to some shit hole crap shute casino that smells like cigarettes and stripper piss.

In that time, monkeys and man alike have attempted to decipher the best ways to make a bet. Well, here are some good ones that get ignored by even some experienced gamblers.

As you probably already know, many casinos offer welcome bonuses. These are usually in the form of an initial deposit match. You might think to yourself, “You know what? I’m a slick bastard. Why not sign up for multiple accounts to keep collecting welcome bonuses?” Believe it or not, you’re not the first asshole to come up with such a scheme, and casinos already have a plan against it.

Many casinos will straight up void your winnings, leaving you with nothing: a savage maneuver but an understandable one. Most casinos offer bonuses to their vet players as well. Choose to do your gaming at one of those instead of trying to cheat the system. Casinos are masters of spotting cheaters. Unless you’re on some Beautiful Mind shit, it’s unlikely to happen.

Staying consistent with a strategy can be important when trying your luck. For example, let’s say you’re playing some slots, and you’re up a couple of hundred bucks. Hey, good for you, but those winnings might have you feeling like you should increase your bets. Of course, it’s only human to want to go for more. Here’s the thing, though. You came here to win money, correct? And now you’ve won money, so why put it at risk by putting it all on the table? Remember, the house always has the advantage. If you keep playing eventually, they will get that money back.

To continue on that point, you should set yourself a maximum win and loss amount. It can be difficult to pry yourself from the table regardless of if you’re winning or losing. Set limits and stick to them. Most importantly, don’t invest more than you intended to while attempting to win losses back. It inevitably ends in further losses.

It can be particularly attractive to push your betting limits when you see new and exciting bonus offers appear. However, you have to know when to turn down an offer. It’s not worth pushing yourself into the red just to get some free spins. Also, remember that if a bonus sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. Always read the fine print of new offers. Restrictions on how and when you can withdraw bonus bucks can often make them nearly worthless. Or at least not worth putting your rent check on hold.

There are more online casinos out there than stars in the sky these days, but few are worth playing. Many are shills, shams, and scams meant to separate you from your hard-earned dollar. Fuck those places. More are popping up every day. It’s like grey hairs; you pluck one and two more grow in its place. That’s why I’m here to help guide you in the right direction.

Megaslots is a go-to for me when I’m in between masturbation sessions and need something to entertain myself with that doesn’t have a set of balls attached. Getting started is easy. Filling out the forms only takes a couple of minutes, and you will be out on the proverbial floor placing bets in no time.

The website design is superb. Online casinos tend to be well designed, but this one goes the extra mile. I love the dark background. I need to save my eyes for masturbation. If I wear them out staring at slot options, it will dig into my jerk joy, and nothing is more important to me than jerk joy.

The selection of games is massive. They don’t call it Megaslot for shits and giggles. It’s because they have a metric shit ton of slots. I can’t even estimate how many there are. Suffice to say; it’s hundreds.

I have a few favorites out of the bunch, though. The giant Japanese monster-themed “Kaiju” is a blast. As you guys know, my idle hands are often in communication with the devil, so “Diablo Reels” is a natural fit.

Speaking of the devil, if history has taught us anything, it’s that loving gods only pour their grace upon blood-covered sociopaths. Nothing says love like killing your fellow man and fucking his women. And boy, is god good at killing and fucking. So, when I play slots, I attempt to earn his favor by playing “Crusaders.” because it reminds him of his glory days.

I’m very familiar with my readership. Outside of the fact that you guys are sexless losers and that I’m literally getting a blow job while I write this, we are kindred spirits. I’m just like you if you didn’t suck so much. That means I know how dirty those minds of yours get. Perhaps you need to skip Godzilla and go right to “Punk Toilet.” Surprisingly enough, my first question is, why is there a soccer ball on the title screen?

Not that Kind of Taco

Is it a great idea to name a Mexican-themed slot machine “Taco Brothers?” Probably not. Does the fact that they made a Christmas-themed spin-off titled “Taco Brothers - Saving Christmas” make up for it? Oddly enough, kind of. Is it a fun ass game nonetheless? You bet. Does it make me want to watch a Mexican teen get her pussy beat up? One hundred percent.

You can’t have a great online casino without having some great promos, and Megaslots does not skimp in this department. The welcome bonus is simple and sweet, which I’m a fan of. Unfortunately, too many sites have complicated hard to grasp bonuses. Megaslots, on the other hand, will match your first deposit up to one thousand Euros. That’s enough bonus bucks to keep you gambling for a long time.

Once you’ve acquired the welcome bonus, it doesn’t stop there, though. You don’t have to get yourself booted from the site trying to rob welcome bonuses. Every Friday, Megaslots offers a fifty-five percent deposit match up to three hundred Euros. That’s the perfect way to get your weekend started right.

Megaslots also features a VIP bonus. Every dollar you deposit here gets counted as “complimentary points.” The more you earn, the more you move up the VIP bracket. Each climb gains you a bonus and takes you a step closer to the grand prize once you attain champion status: A Lamborghini Uris. Is it the only Lamborghini that could be mistaken for a rusted-out Kia Sportage? Yes. But it’s still a Lambo.

I know what you are thinking, right. “But Mr. The Porndude, I’m reading this article while taking a shit. What if I want to play slots while I’m pinching a loaf?” That’s no problem, Captain Shit-sticks. Megaslots has developed their own mobile smartphone app so you can take the casino anywhere you go. What a great way to pass the time standing in line, sitting in a waiting room, or dropping the offspring off at the pool. The app works every bit as the primary site, and it goes anywhere you do.

Megaslots is a benchmark for great online casinos. They have created an excellent service that any gambler can be happy with. The selection of slots is nearly unmatched. You can scroll till you become blue in the face and still not reach the bottom of the barrel. The excellent bonus offers will keep you gambling longer than most other sites. For those frequent flyers out there, you will love the VIP function. Who doesn’t want to be rewarded for what they would be doing anyway?

Megaslots is like the MGM of online casinos, so they haven’t fucked many things up. My biggest gripe is that Lambo. Admittedly it is worth two hundred thousand, but for what? So people think you’re driving a Suburu Outback? I can think of a dozen different two hundred thousand dollar cars that would be better options—basically any of them.

Megaslots is the king of slots, so head there now and start winning your millions.