Massage Republic

MassageRepublic! Hey, pervert. Tired of beating your meat to the mountains of porno sites I review here? Me neither, honestly, but today I’m going to do a little something special for you. Instead of spending the evening watching video sluts, let’s see if we can get you laid on MassageRepublic.com.

This site has been around for the better part of a decade, somehow staying safe from the powers that fucked up sites like craigslist and BackPage for hooker-bangers everywhere. There’s a fine line that must be walked, and my initial thought was that Massage Republic played it too safe to really be useful. Well, they’re getting 3 million hits a month, so either I’m wrong or that’s like 6 million blue balls.

Hundreds of Hot, Horny Escorts Near Me

MassageRepublic has a slightly different warning screen than most sex sites. They warn you that you’re not allowed to look if you’re under the legal age in your country, like they do other places. There’s also a disclaimer about your responsibility to follow the local laws, and some other text clearly meant to wash their hands of any nefarious business you might get yourself into. Instead of clicking a button saying you agree, your acknowledgment of the warning is accepted by typing your city into the box.

My suburb didn’t have a single babe to choose from, so I changed my location to our region’s major city an hour or so away. Bingo. A small message said they also had listings in a few other nearby cities. The city names are highlighted, not actually linked, so you’ll have to re-enter those places in the search bar.

It would be helpful if they’d automatically pick whatever listings were closest to your zip code and put them on one page. Unless you’re retarded, though, I’m sure you’ll be able to name the nearest big city and navigate from there. If you live out in the wilderness in a Unabomber-style shack, you’re out of luck, but how the fuck are you even reading this?

MassageRepublic served up a menu of 253 local escorts in the city. Only 108 of them have verified photos in their profiles, which sounds bad, but is not necessarily an indicator of anything.

(Unfortunately, I couldn’t actually find out how photos are verified. There’s a link to verify them on the Help for Advertisers page, but no explanation of what actually happens. There’s also a section about verifying your photos after you’ve been accused of posting fakes, which they say is the most common complaint from users. Escort profiles using fake photos or fake verification are penalized by a permanent verification removal. This makes their profile move way down in the list of profiles, which I like.)

Local Stats on Local Sluts

To help serve me better, the site offers up some helpful stats above my selection of girls. In my area, prices range from $24 to $1,000, with the average cost hovering around $283. Fuck yeah! That is some incredibly useful information. I’m never paying a cent over $284 to get my face pissed on again!

The prices aren’t the only local stats offered up. Thanks to MassageRepublic, I now know what the most popular services in my area are: Massage, Oral sex - blowjob, Foot fetish, GFE, Deep throat, Roleplay, Lap dancing, and Facesitting. I wonder how much it would cost to have a woman suck me off with her feet in my face while rubbing my back and pretending to be my space alien girlfriend. Hopefully it’s around $24.

It makes me feel at home that the sex acts are listed so explicitly. I was worried the site would beat about the bush and mention everything but explicit sex. These fuckers are helpful, though.

If you’re brand new to kerb-crawling, check out the Guide To Seeing An Escort, linked in the MassageRepublic footer, AKA the bottom of any page on the site. You’ll find lots of helpful info about etiquette, donations, hygiene and sexual health. Use a condom, stupid.

A Full Menu of Prime Cuts

By default, search results are “randomised" daily and customized to the individual user and quality factors for each search”. I suspect it has more to do with what the escorts are paying for listings than MassageRepublic is letting on. Depending on where you’re located, these randomized and custom results might be overwhelming. I’ve got almost twenty pages of escorts to look through. I’m going to have to narrow them down.

At the top are a few dropdown menus. You can select your preferred gender, what price you’re looking to pay, and what specific sex act(s) you want. It’s a healthy list of a few dozen relatively common but freaky things to do, but you won’t be able to choose something as specific as hardcore anal fisting. In that case, I’d probably filter for girls who do anal and fisting, and then ask whether they’re down.

Once you’ve chosen the filthy acts of perversion you’d like to be performed on that Adonis-like body of yours, hit that Plus icon at the end of the row. Here’s where you’ll dial in exactly the type of girl you’d like to perform those filthy acts.

MassageRepublic’s Advanced Search lets you choose bust size, age, height and hair color. You can select an ethnicity, nationality and languages, whether or not she’s shaved or she smokes, and if she takes incalls or outcalls. I love that you can filter it down to just the girls who have reviews. I’m disappointed there’s no body-type field, nor a weight range so you can fake it. They’ve got a name field, though, for some unknown reason.

I was in the mood to go ass-to-mouth on a blonde teenager with a huge rack. ATM isn’t listed, so I picked Anal and CIM - Come In Mouth. Then I chose Large Cup Size, Blonde, and selected 18-19 as my age range.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get any matches. I guess that was a pretty damn specific request, though. Once I got rid of the teen requirement, I found 3 big-titted, blonde escorts in my area who did butt-fucking and ate semen for cash. It’s party time, gentlemen.

For a Good Time, Call…

This is the part where I figured I’d have to register with MassageRepublic, giving them an email address that would ultimately end up on some worldwide list of Johns targeted for extermination by the woke generation. I didn’t want to do it, but hey, if it got me a step closer to dropping a load in a broad’s mouth for money...

The site actually doesn’t require you to sign up at all. When you click the See More & Contact button next to a chick’s picture, you’ll end up on her profile. There, you’ll get a bigger selection of photos and detailed information about the escort and her services, including prices. Best of all, their contact info is available without giving any of yours to the website.

MassageRepublic is a nice site. It looks good, works very well, and it has a nice selection of babes you can call for a good time. It’s very sex-positive and helpful, not just with finding the right escort but what to do with her before, during, and after your purchase. It turns out everything I learned playing GTA was completely wrong.

If I had any major complaint about the site, it’s that it’s not available everywhere. That’s really just a complaint about the worldwide distribution of hookers, though, and no reflection on MassageRepublic. They do have enough cities and countries on their list to make for a perfect travel companion.

The escorts cost money, but the website is free. There’s no good reason not to at least peruse the local selection. Who knows? You might find your next escort obsession; you’d better select that GFE in the dropdown.