Tight Squeeze

No one will contend my words when I say boobs are the fucking shit. They’re squishy, jiggly, bouncy, squeezable, suckable, and all-around hypnotizing. When breasts burst forth from a bra, it is like a divine angelic light radiating down from a cloudless sky. Our jaws drop to the floor, we salivate like a dog at a BBQ, and we walk toward them, making a sucking noise with our lips.

Milky Milky Coconuts

We can’t help it. Boobs turn us into little kids at a candy store. The reasons are deeply evolutionary. We want our spawn to have large mammary glands to suck gallons of breast milk out of. Yummy. I've heard that Darwin was a big titty guy.

But our passion for jiggly chunks of fleshy goo balls doesn’t stop at tits. If you’re like me, the only thing better than mama milkers is a fat ass. God damn, is ass not the best thing on planet Earth? Of all its many natural wonders, does the human female ass not rank number one? It most certainly does.

Slappable, spankable, twerkable, penetrable, and place-on-faceable. The ass represents the universe's finest creativity. The most perfect asses attain the magnificence of the golden ratio. The fraction in the universe that both we and the universe find most appealing. That's why subreddits like r/TightSqueeze are so popular. Men love watching women struggle to get tight pants over their thick booty meat.

Why Ass?

What draws men to the ass with such passion and enthusiasm? Men more intelligent than I have done the research and developed a few interesting theories. I'll save the most intriguing one for last, but let's start with something that didn't require science to figure out.

Ass is something men aren’t supposed to look at and touch. It's considered rude at best and illegal at worst. Humans, in general, want shit they can’t have. If I come up to a bitch on the street and try to stick my face between her ass cheeks, she will not be a happy camper. Understandably so. The kind of guy to do that would be one of my readers, and no woman wants one of my readers touching them on the street.

This is one of the reasons I think feet are such a popular fetish. Feet are often covered up with socks and shoes. It can be somewhat intimate for them to be exposed. Therefore, men fetishize them. We are such simple creatures. Men want to put anything we aren’t supposed to see or touch in public in our mouths.

Second, booty makes for an excellent pussy handle. Whether you’re giving a bitch a cute hug or tickling her cervix with your dick tip while in the doggy-style position, you can use the ass cheeks to get the angle and leverage over the pussy. By reaching your fingers under the booty fold, you can even reign the booty in for further enjoyment. I call it the grip spank.

Posts on r/TightSqueeze often exemplify the booty fold in the best light. I love watching a bitch's pants get caught on the fold as she struggles to slide her yoga pants up to her hips. It's a shame that the moment she successfully gets her pants on, I'll have to take them right back off again.

Choking the Chicken and Draining my Eggs

The question of society’s role in the growing popularity of fat asses is akin to the age-old question, ‘What came first, the chicken or the egg?' I think it’s a little column A and a little column B. Humanities’ natural propensity for loving ass brought it into the cultural spotlight. Once there, loving bums became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A lady's bum is one of her most feminine characteristics. Sure, both guys and gals have booty cheeks, but the two do not look the same. The sloping curvature and soft hairlessness are just two of the numerous differences that make a woman’s bum far more attractive.

Ass is amazing, but when titty and ass unite, their powers culminate into a force to be reckoned with. It is their intertwining that brings about the highly sought-after hourglass figure. Something about that Coke bottle frame kindles our dick's brain. All higher thought ceases to exist as every ounce of our mental efforts are rerouted to the visual and tactile centers. When a bitch is shaped just right, she could make one of my readers cum by just standing there.

Most of the ladies on r/TightSqueeze have the shape of a sex doll. I would come here for reference if I had to build the perfect female body. I'm so glad women love posting pics and clips of their bodies so much. It makes my life worth living.

Ass Math

Research has recently uncovered an aspect of the male passion for booty I didn't see coming. It turns out the ass as a whole is far less meaningful than the angle at which it leaves the lower back. According to a recent study, forty-five degrees is the perfect release angle for the booty in order to get us the most aroused. That makes sense if you take a second to ponder about it. The final shape and size of the ass are dictated by the size of that angle. It’s the reason men like high heels so much. Heels add to the angle that a woman’s ass pops out.

But from an evolutionary sense, why is that angle so crucial to us? Well, it turns out that the reason is physics. Women with more angled booty can shift their weight over their hips better. This becomes critical when pregnancy moves a bitch's center of mass forward by a few inches. Getting the baby weight back to sit on the hips allows a prego cunt to forage for nuts and berries longer during pregnancy. It also allows them to carry multiple pregnancies with a decreased risk. It’s all about spreading seed.

I never thought I'd be on a porn subreddit measuring ass angels with a compass and protractor, but here I am. I wouldn't post about some important research like that without doing some independent confirmation. From what I can tell, the research is spot on, but don't take my word for it. Hop on r/TightSqueeze yourself and do some measuring of your own.

Packing in the Booty

Now that we have confirmed the dominance of ass over everything else in life, the question becomes, where can you see the best ass porn on the internet? As you've probably guessed, r/TightSqueeze is a favorite of mine.

Reddit wasn't originally intended for use as a porn site, but its design lends itself to porn quite well. If you're the type of guy who doesn't like making decisions and prefers to endlessly scroll porn clips instead of watching whole films, Reddit was made for you.

There aren't many better porn sites when it comes to mobile use. You never know when the urge to stroke your man meat may strike. What if it happens while you are at a friend's wedding. It could be hours until you make it back home to the comfort of your computer. You could wait like a dumbass, or you could drain your balls while everyone is distracted listening to the best man's speech.

r/TightSqueeze wouldn't be the incredible subreddit it is without help from a recent development, a development that changed my life for the better. It's called yoga pants, and they make winter worth living through.

Yoga pants posts are my favorite shit to watch on r/TightSqueeze. In case you want to thank the man in your prayers tonight, the inventor of the yoga pant is named Chip Wilson. If I used emojis, I'd throw some laugh faces in right here. If you had asked me to guess the name of the guy who invented yoga pants, Chip Wilson would have been in my top five.

That's not to take anything away from the denim posts. Denim provides a more firm fabric that is hard to slide over the booty meat. This often makes for very exciting posts. I wish I owned a star trek transporter to help these ladies with a little extra muscle. Perhaps that will be my job when I retire from porn articles. I've already got my doctorate.

Reddit to full of incredible porn subreddits, but I have to say that r/TightSqueeze is on my short list of favorites. You won't be able to stop yourself from jerking off when you arrive.

My only complaint is the lack of ebony bitches. Black chicks have world-renowned booties. How are they not all over r/TightSqueeze? I'm baffled. There are a few Latin babes, but for the most part, it's all white chicks. I love white chicks, but they aren't famed for their fat asses like black chicks and Latinas.

You know what to do if you're at a wedding reading this article right now. Just make sure no one is looking your way first.