Sexy But Clothed

I am a glutton for punishment. Sometimes instead of enjoying porn, I want porn to torment me. I want porn to bend me over its knee. When that desire strikes, it's not the most hardcore degenerate content I search for. Looking at non-nude porn is all the torture this man can take.

Midgets, Coffee, and Tide Pod Smoking

I’ve witnessed every sinful act one person can commit to another a thousand times over. There isn’t a single activity on this earth that I haven't slung ropes to. I’ve seen four ballet-dancing midgets doing cartwheels while they each have the jaws of a taxidermied crocodile shoved up their ass. What's the science behind that? I don't fucking know. I don't ask questions when I'm stroking my manhood.

I’ve seen eight one-legged Lebonese baristas perform a live musical version of the Hulk Hogan sex tape while yoyoing. Things fell apart when one of the baristas misread the script and took a shit in the middle of the floor. It's a good thing the director saw this coming and brought a bunch of mops.

I’ve seen the top of a hookah inserted into a sluts vagina so a local town's public transportation union could use her birth canal to smoke Tide pods. The problem was that it wasn’t Tide pods. It was a radioactive waste. Oddly enough, everyone still seemed to get fucked up. I think it was just the energy in the room.

Open Wide

Everyone who isn’t me might be astounded by how wide the vagina can stretch. The key is that it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years of vaginal stretching before you are qualified to insert an object like the Exhaust manifold of a 94’ Buick Regal. Women spend years using tapered rods to widen their vagina to a size my dick fits in. If it weren’t for these ladies' hard work and dedication, I would have never had the opportunity to insert my whole skull into a woman's vulva. It was a very enlightening experience despite being so dark in there.

Testing self-defense and anti-riot equipment on your own genitalia sounds like a fucking terrible idea, and it might be for those doing the testing, but for audience members, it’s a fucking epic time. The difference between the look on a cunt’s face when she squirts and the look when she gets tased in the clit is nominal. A word to the wise who also have stretched orifices: be careful where you let people shoot non-lethal bullets at you. Requiring six hours of surgery to remove four rubber bullets from your kidney makes all the joy encountered in the moment slip from memory.

Few whores do it better than Soviet block bitches when it comes to radical sexual activities. They are a different species of slut. They’ve seen enough fucked up shit in their lifetime to be able to make anything arousing. If you’re about to fuck a cunt you met at the club, and you hear her singing the Moldovian national anthem as she slips into something more comfortable, you better prepare your dick for the trenches. The shit is about to get real. This bitch will do shit to you that you didn’t know was possible.

I once boned a slut who snuck into the Chyrnoble reactor after the meltdown, sliced out a chunk of the elephant's foot, and tolled it into a rudimentary dildo. She used this radioactive dildo to penetrate her asshole and pussy on a daily basis. Everything is a multipurpose tool in old Soviet nations.

This bitches gash was as hardy and resilient as anything in this world comes. I once saw her blow glass inside it. A couple of weeks ago, she recharged my cell phone battery by wrapping it in an old pair of her panties.

If you try to finger her pussy, her cervix will deglove your hand like sticking into an aquarium full of piranha. The only way you can take this chick to pound town is if you wear a lead condom and one of those vests they give you before you get an X-ray. In case you were wondering, her name is Burgerthor Shartveganmeat. However, don't use her name if you're looking for her. Just follow the smell of iron-rich blood and hydrochloric acid.

When you've spent your entire life soaking in this kind of extreme stimulus, your brain needs a breather every now and again. It has to reset. Otherwise, it will become numb to all variants of smut. But just because I'm resetting my brain doesn’t mean I don’t want to keep watching porn. It just needs to be porn that doesn't include albino amputees.

When it’s time to take a breather, I head to Reddit's "Sexy but Clothed" page. From here, I can see all the underwear, swimsuit, and handbra content my twisted little heart desires. These bitches are every bit as sexy as any porn star but will require a little imagination if you want to see them naked.

Rules

There are a few rules that make r/SexyButClothed the awesome subreddit it is. Rule one: No porn, no nudity, no nipples, and no vaginas. See-through clothing is allowed but no bare nips or diners. And yes. That includes flashing.

Rule two: No cheating by only wearing socks or a scarf or some shit. A hat does not count toward being clothed. Just because you precariously balanced a swatch of cotton on your belly button does not mean you're clothed. On that note, towels are not clothing. However, bathrobes are good.

Rule three: no legs in the bathtub. First of all, it's been done, and men are bored with it unless we know you personally. Second, bubbles aren't clothing. They are a way to insulate the bathwater against heat loss. If the admin can't see any clothes, they'll assume you're naked and take it down.

Rule four: Everyone is over eighteen, and no dudes. I am not trying to see anybody's moose knuckle on r/SexyButClothed. It's a real day ruiner.

Why I Cum

With those basic rules down, let me discuss what makes for a great post on r/SexyButClothed. I've always been a big face guy. I love a gorgeous face, so it's definitely the first thing I notice if the tits and ass aren't showing.

Most of the ladies on r/SexyButClothed look like they could be fucking models. They're incredible. I can't believe they're posting pics on a porn subreddit instead of walking an Italian fashion runway.

Speaking of fashion, many of the bitches on r/SexyButClothed are showing off new clothing purchases. For example, this bitch Sara is leaving for the islands next week and just bought a new two-piece. However, Sara wanted to ensure it was sexy enough to earn her some vacation dick, so she checked with the guys on r/SexyButClothed. It seems like everyone agrees she'll have no problem finding vacation dick.

Just because you can't be nude doesn't mean you can't touch yourself. I love posts that show ladies rubbing their pussies through their panties. I wish I could transport over and become their hand. Bonus points if your panties are visibly wet. Bonus points if you cum. Bonus points if I can see your hard nipple through your shirt.

Solo ass spanking clips really get my Jimmies rustled. I love seeing how long the booty and thighs will jiggle after initial contact is made. Bonus points for including some camel toe.

I'm a simple man. Any bitches in yoga clothing get my upvote. If it weren't for yoga pants, I wouldn't be able to live in a temperate climate. Yoga booty gets me through the winter.

Bonus points if you're actually doing yoga. There isn't a straight man on earth that doesn't love watching bitches stretch. I'd sit around the gym and do it all day if management didn't kick me out for fucking cunts in the showers.

Sun dresses are also high on my list of favorite shit to see on r/SexyButClothed. Springtime sun dresses make up for long winters spent without skin to look at. There is nothing like a fat ass, a sundress, and a gust of wind to get the old heart beating. Sundresses are the whispers of the clothing world. Is it even there? Who knows?

Considering how much porn I watch every day, it can't all be hardcore midget shit. Even the Porn Dude has to take it down a notch occasionally, and r/SexyButClothed is how I do so.

I don't have much to complain about on r/SexyButClothed. If you like Reddit and you like softcore porn, then you'll like r/SexyButClothed.

I know you guys watch too much hardcore porn, just like I do. Why not give yourself a short break and let the bitches on r/SexyButClothed tease your cock.